Restaurant reviews for The Onion print edition, Austin, TX, written in 2007.
Cool River Cafe's high ceilings offer the illusion of space, but the place often feels crowded nevertheless. Deer head decorations suggest a modernized hunting lodge; dozens of extra-big-screen TVs suggest a sports bar. The Hummer-driving, thirty-to-forty-something (or more) North Austin yuppie crowd swings the atmosphere toward sports bar, but the kitchen tries hard to churn out sophisticated original offerings. Ancho honey spices up a pork chop, bourbon sundried cherry sauce brings extra flavor to a tender filet, and the spinach artichoke dip tastes like it might actually be made from scratch. While the effort is there, the results are a tiny bit bland. Still, it's an enjoyable eating experience, and a couple of strong margaritas (just $3 on Thursdays) will help make it all better. Good for: Loading up Dell employees with drinks in hopes they'll spill company secrets. Entrees $18-38. (4001 W Parmer Ln, 835-0010) -ŠKS
Food Shui's motto is "Asian food fast," and the restaurant more than lives up to the "fast" part of the equation. The sleek, minimalist space has more ambiance than most fast food places, making it a pleasant place to grab a quick lunch. One-bowl options are extensive, ranging from pho to vermicelli, and the rice bowls offer a choice of chicken, beef, shrimp, or tofu (not to mention brown or white). Succulent sesame chicken came accompanied by tasty broccoli, carrots, and pineapple complemented by the savory sauce. The coconut curry bowl was a little on the sickeningly sweet side; there are much tastier dishes available. Entrees come with an egg roll, which is crispy and savory without being too oily. While won't restore complete harmony to your life like feng shui, Food Shui is a safe bet for a tasty, affordable lunch. And portions are huge, so you can keep the leftovers for dinner. Good for: Semi-healthful goodies on the go, complete with fortune cookie. Entrees $6-8. (1700 W Parmer Lane, 339-4545)
Everybody loves bars and coffee shops—what could be better than putting them together? A booze-slinging coffeeshop with food to boot, Halcyon opened up a few years ago in a space that once housed the revered Ruta Maya. As such, Halcyon was greeted a little coldly at first, but Austin's warmed up to the small, funky space. A recent remodel made the space a little more mod, presumably to cater to the moneyed crowd, but Halcyon remains a friendly place to study or grab a bite. Nearly any drink you can dream up is available, from traditional coffee drinks to fancy alcoholic concoctions to the good ol' champagne of beers. The drinks (Miller High Life excepted, perhaps) are delish, the food a little less so, though the wraps and paninis are certainly serviceable if hunger strikes. Free wi-fi and a great location round out the reasons to love this dreamlike little place. Good for: meeting up for, before, or after drinks downtown. Entrees $4-10. (218 W 4th Street, 472-9637)
Walking into the cool, dim interior of Houston's is a welcome relief from sweaty Austin summers. The decor is as demure as the old-fashioned clientele. Skip the long waits by sitting at the bar, where attentive bartenders will set up a mini-spread for you using napkins as tablecloths. Service is long on competence but short on friendly, so come to Houston's to eat, not gab. And since the entire menu is delectable, you can't go wrong no matter what you choose. High points include the remarkable Oriental Chicken Salad (shredded cabbage, tender chicken, zesty orange sauce) and the Biltmore Chicken Sandwich (juicy chicken, melted cheese, crispy bun). The hand-cut fries are tiny, crispy, and impossible to stop eating. Good for: Dinner with gramps, or ordering an Old Fashioned in his honor. Entrees $12-35. (2408 W Anderson Ln, 451-7333) -ŠKS
Come for the kimchi, stay for the BBQ! All dishes are served family style with tons of banchan, traditional Korean side dishes. Start with Mandoo dumplings (loaded with meat and veggies), yaki-mandu (Korean eggrolls) or the divine hot and sour soup. Once your appetite is raging, move on to the "barbecue" bulgogi: tender beef (or another meat of your choice—try the salmon to be adventurous) marinated in soy sauce, sesame, and ginger. It ain't the Salt Lick, but it's worth trying for its own taste. Other enjoyable options include bi bim bab (rice topped with spicy veggies, beef, and a fried egg), shrimp tempura, and spicy bokum squid. Koreana's relaxed, classy atmosphere features bonsai trees and orchids. Presentation and service are top quality. Good for: A different dining experience in taco-happy Texas. Entrees: $10-$20 (12196 N Mo Pac Expy, 835-8888)
Little Mexico is certainly smaller than the country, but its plates of Tex-Mex (and even some authentic Mexican dishes) pack a big punch. Huge portions plus plenty of rice, beans, sauce and cheese make dining here a seriously delicious endeavor. The homemade salsa makes gringos grimace, but its bite belies serious authenticity. Little Mexico's cafeteria-like booths aren't too impressive, but Mexican art and artifacts help make the brightly colored place more funky and friendly, and identify it as the family-run establishment it is. Order enchiladas and prepare to drown in oceans of cheese; order quesadillas and prepare to be overwhelmed with meaty goodness. Load up on tasty treats and enjoy the Tejano tunes playing in the background (usually recorded but sometimes, if you're lucky, live). Sit outside by the fountain and cute potted plants for a more fun experience. Good for: Lighting your tongue on fire, filling up on breakfast tacos in a funky atmosphere, possibly running into Jerry Jeff Walker (he has his own queso named after him here). Entrees $7-15. (2304 S 1ST St, 462-2188)
Silhouette is a swanky name, and the restaurant's decor doesn't disappoint: fierce red walls are accented by dark brown trim and colorful artwork. Japanese westerns and other movies are projected without sound, further enhancing the atmosphere. Sadly, Silhouette is more of a feast for the eyes than the palette. Rolls are reasonably sized and competently made, but the ingredients are of questionable quality, and too many rolls have an unappealing, overly fishy taste. Stop by for a cheap snack during the hugely discounted happy hours (all day Monday and 11:30 p.m. - 1:30 a.m. Saturday), but pass on this place at regular prices. Skip the drinks, too—they're creatively conceived (a "wasabi" bloody mary!), but poorly executed (V8 with vodka). Good for: Affordable sushi in a hip downtown environment. Rolls: $10-13, combos $20-$45. (718 Congress Avenue, 478-8899)
The walls and tablecloths at Star of India are almost the color of Pepto-Bismol—exactly what you'll need to soothe your over-stuffed stomach after eating here. A big buffet offers tandoori chicken, crispy samosas, korma, pakora, naan, meat curries, and other Indian food staples that will taste great now but might cause some tummy trouble later. To avoid post-buffet bloat, stick to vegetable dishes (the buffet meats can be heavy and bland) or order off the menu: the chicken tikka kabab, chana masala punjabi, and vegetable biryani are all recommended. Service is slow, but the food (though somewhat generic) is more than adequate, particularly when it comes to portion sizes. Good for: Eating like a snake—you won't have to fill up again for weeks. Entrees: $8-13. (2900 W. Anderson Lane, 452-8199)
Is it 2007 or 1967? You'd never know at Top Notch, which hasn't changed in decades. Even the prices are reminiscent of the past. The the place is billed as a "drive-in," but (sadly) the waitresses aren't on rollerskates, so go in to order—the dine-in experience is a real treat. The place is done up just like your grandma's living room, assuming your grandma is a hardcore huntin' Texan. Wood paneling, prairie paintings, and lots of horns keep you company as you inhale char-broiled real beef burgers, not-too-greasy onion rings, thick shakes, and some damn authentic fried chicken. This is the place to go for a cheap, quick, and tasty meal when you're putting health concerns on the back burner. Good for: A trip back in time—for your tastebuds and your wallet. Entrees $2-6. (7525 Burnet Rd., 512-452-2181)
It's hard to know how to pronounce Habana Calle 6. Do you say, with Texan pride, "Huh-vay-nuh collie sex"? With smug Spanish knoweldge, "Abana cay-ey sase"? However you pronounce it, this Cuban restaurant on Sixth Street is a Caribbean dream. It begins with the magnificent mojito. The bartender recommends a Nicaraguan rum, Flor de Cana, which gives the mojito a Central American bite to keep diners sharp in the midst of the Caribbean paradise. A Cuban band complete with bongos and shakers serenades outdoor diners perusing the menu. Anyone who's taken high school Spanish will feel compelled to show off their accent, butchering the names of dishes and quickly being corrected by the waiters, who are better versed in pronunciation of Maduros, Bistec Palomilla, Platano Loco, and other Caribbean specialties than Texans tend to be. But who can blame us? Am-uh-rillllo, Lay-no, Blank-o, Gwad-a-loop, and San Jack are just a few of the mispronounciations native to our Texas-born-and-bred brains. At least you can always order the Cuban sandwich.
But the pronunciation isn't really a big problem at Habana Calle 6. Even if you happened to mangle your order so terribly that the waiter brought the wrong thing, it would still be delicious. I choose to take the easy way out and order in good ol' southern style, asking for the "Chicken Fricasse." The waiter quickly corrects me: "Fricase de Pollo, very good." He asks for my rice choice and I have to admit, despite Spanish classes, I don't know what arroz con gandules is. Apparently it's a spiced rice with gandules, which are pigeon peas. I still don't really know what pigeon peas are, other than unfortunately named, but I decide to take a chance on them. Besides, white rice is just boring.
Our appetizer doesn't arrive until we've almost finished the mojitos, but the drink's so refreshing—drinkable without being overly sweet or pungent—that I don't really mind. Papa rellena, the appetizer we chose, is a ball of deep-fried mashed potatoes filled with beef. They had me at "deep-fried mashed potatoes," but adding a little bit of meat didn't hurt. It's expertly done, a perfectly formed ball of goodness that steams as we break it apart to eat. These ain't my grandma's mashed potatoes—mildly spiced, they have a less creamy texture than some potatoes, but it's enjoyably unique. The tender, flavorful meat is a good compliment to the tasty but relatively relaxed taste and texture of the potatoes.
Turns out Cubans make chicken fricasse (pardon—fricase de pollo) just as good as southerners, and maybe even better. The chicken is perfectly done—amazingly tender without being uncooked or dry. The excellent seasoning is more Spanish than Caribbean, but this was noted on the menu so I knew what to expect. It's in a tomato sauce that tastes fresh and sweet, unlike heavy tomato sauces I've had elsewhere. The arroz con gandulas was a smart choice; it's succulent and the pigeon peas are mild. Tasting the black beans after the chicken and rice was a bad idea, as the beans are merely generic. Mixed with rice or chicken, however, they make a fine compliment to the more savory foods. My "dining companion" (what a woeful phrase) ordered the restaurant's best-seller: lechon asado, basically roast pork mildly seasoned. He scarfs it so fast I can't even sample any, so it must be good.
My chicken fricasse was an entire half-bird, so there's definitely no room for dessert—especially since we started with the filling papa rellena. I hear the tres leches cake is the thing to have, but we'll have to try it another time. We sit and sip mojitos for a while longer, enjoying the funky music and cool island—er, Austin—breeze. The waiter takes a while to bring the check, but the environment's so inviting that it doesn't matter too much. It's a shame to have to wake up from the Caribbean dream, but all diners must go eventually, and at least the dining experience was delightful. Any way you say it, Habana Calle 6 is a delightful place to experience some pretty authentic—and delicious—Cuban food.